The Church of NOJ


All Hail NOJ!

You MUST worship NOJ baby! Don't MAKE me put you in a sack and BEAT you with rushes.

The Chrurch of NOJ: the Marvelous Malevolent New Religion!

NOJ is good NOJ is GREAT... NOJ KNOWS how to Shred & Skate!    

The GOD of  HEAVY METAL is nigh

So, sit back, mix yourself a pitcher of margaritas, and prepare to discover the Truth that is NOJ...

The Temple of NOJ

     You thought this was the Temple? Ah-ha it is but a simple DOORWAY into the myriad mirrors which but reflect the TRUTH OF NOJ. The TRUE Temple of NOJ is guarded by 3 giant JABBERWOCKS who will devour the EYEBALLS and lower INTESTINES of any who pass near. But it is of course impossible to find, as the Temple of NOJ is in the MINDS & SOULS of all his Disciples, it's a nice little shack built back in the part you don't use anyway.

     Since the shortest distance between two points is HELL. And therefore, as NOJ is up on SPEED, NOJ is often found in HELL . Because of this NOJ can travel instantly between each and every MIND of all the Disciples of NOJ, and is, in fact, in ALL of them concurrently.

     As the NUMBERS of  Disciples GROW the Temple of NOJ grows with them, as well as the POWER and STRENGTH of the TRUTH which is NOJ. SOON. Yes! Soon NOJ will rise above Demi-God status and become a TRUE DEITY!

     The servants of NOJ, which NOJ sends forth to do his bidding and spread PERNICIOUS RUMORS about the lack of his EXISTENCE, are named NOJ-lings, they are just like homicidal maniacs and can only be distinguished from everyone else in THAT WAY.

     Scully is official PRIESTESS of NOJ. Of course she does not KNOW this, but it's all subliminal anyway.

     Acolytes are the priests of NOJ. Since there can be only ONE High priest of NOJ, all others are merely ACOLYTES, unless they can cut off his head, but that is neither here nor there.


NOJ the Near-Deity

     NOJ is all that which is good and EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU! EVIL!!!!! in the universe. Bad is good baby! Everybody booze up and RIOT!

     NOJ has an honorary doctorate in EVIL-MEDICINE from EVIL Medical School .

     NOJ is not a lesser demon as detractors have tried to claim. NOJ had long since gathered enough souls to rise to Demi-God status. SOON to be a TRUE GOD!

     NOJ would not be a petty PSYCHOTIC deity like SOME I could name. Well, be that as it may, there is still room in the pantheon of NOJ for a variety of other deities, such as BOB and SAINT DOGBERT and GYGAX THE 17 LEVEL WARRIOR-MAGE WITH HIS SOUL SUCKING SWORD! and EVIL THE CAT and THE CHURCH OF BEAVIS CHRIST and more!

     NOJ is the PATRON of (and includes among the MANY Disciples): Psychotics, Insane Politicians, Pirates, Evil Doctors, Mad Scientists, merely strange computer programmers, Bald Cats, Comicbook Creators who make comics which will ROT and warp children's young and impressionable minds, Role-Playing Gamers who play UNHOLY and satanically EVIL games for fun & PROFIT, people who can CONVERT Jehovah's Witnesses to EVIL!, and much MUCH more. Now how much would you pay? But wait! There's MORE!


Why become a Disciple of NOJ?

     Disciples of NOJ are OBVIOUSLY and measurably genetically SUPERIOR life forms.

     ALL Disciples of NOJ are fully EXEMPT from paying any TAXES! (however as yet the government does not agree, but someday soon they will see the DARK that is NOJ!)

     Disciples of NOJ are INHUMANLY intelligent or at the very least inhuman.

     The enemies of  NOJ will all be slowly BOILED and processed into little tins of spiced ham when the apocalypse comes. Which will be on 22 December 2012 in case anyone wants to know. The date as told according to the WORD of NOJ. Which confirms the date given by both the termination of  the Mayan calendar, and Terence McKenna's Fractal Timewave Graph. McKenna being a closet NOJ-ling, though of course he would not admit such a claim as it would invalidate his time-of-consciousness-stream.


How to become a Disciple of NOJ

     It is surprisingly EASY to become a Disciple of  NOJ. You WORSHIP NOJ. As You MUST!

     That is no hardship, in fact YOU may HAVE DONE SO unwittingly many times in the past, but NOJ does not care if you worship with wit or not. Any form of worship only makes NOJ stronger. Such is why NOJ will DENY EXISTING if that will trick people into worshiping.

     Here though, are the correct and apocryphal FORMS of the worship of NOJ. You gain extra NOTICE by chanting the unholey chant of NOJ in connection with any form of worship: Playing satanically EVIL role-playing GAMES, watching EVIL MOVIES, watching movies where many many things BLOW UP, watching movies with LOTS and lots OF GUNS, watching movies where aliens attack and horribly KILL PEOPLE, reading COMICS which will rot and CORRUPT your mind, READING books which have been BANned by anyone for any REASON at all, FUCKING HELL!, LIVING in a mental institution, downloading pornography from the INTERNET, mail-bombing a spammer, converting a Jehovah's Witness to EVIL, going ARRrr like a Pirate, watching the Simpsons' Halloween specials on TV, owning a WEAPON whose sole purpose is the BLOODLETTING of humans, upgrading your computer for the sole purpose of playing VIOLENT computer games and downloading Pornography, playing violent COMPUTER GAMES for hours and hours while you are supposed to be working, listening to satanic HEAVY METAL MUSIC, etc. etc. and so on, and SO on.

Chant Along with NOJ!


NOJ needs YOUR help!  

   HELP NOJ RISE from Demi-God status to become a TRUE DEITY. If each Disciple of  NOJ could just make one blood sacrifice a week, NOJ could become a GOD before the end of the millennium! Small yapping DOGS are the preferred blood sacrifices, as many of the DAMN things as possible!

 The Lord High NOJ wants to hear your Pleas! Send Prayers and Suplications, Abjurations and Conjurations to:

And remember, "Satan is but a PUSSY compared to the wrath of NOJ!"   

WARNING: This page composed of hundreds of (not very) HIDDEN LINKS--which change randomly & without warning--peruse at peril of your SOUL!

]`-}                                            <--- the horned one winks at you!


Page created by the Society for the Furtherance of Demigods & the Acolyte of NOJ.
Entire contents © &
TM their respective creators, or the Acolyte of NOJ 1996.
Page revised October 1998.

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